Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
