the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize