did you get engaged???
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
