She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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