i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
