there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
