I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
