The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
