if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
