The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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