Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
