just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
