i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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