Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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