Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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