I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
