I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
