What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
