it's not cheating when I paid for it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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