I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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