yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
