I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
