mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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