Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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