even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
