I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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