I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
