i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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