Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
