I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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