I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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