8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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