Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
