You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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