i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
