I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
