Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
