i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
