I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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