Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
