We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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