Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
