just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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