I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
