I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
