Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
