hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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