Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
