Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
