so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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