you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
