Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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