I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
