Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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