I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
