Can i not drive my cunt home
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
